My Reason For Living
by Rakurai Densetsu
Summary: What if on that destined day the one who reached out wasn't Nozomi? Eli has the chance to relive that fateful moment on the staircase once again. 『NozoEli』


**Rakurai desu.**

 **Just another random idea during class :D I think** James Newton Howard's _Central Park_ **goes really well with the staircase scene.**

 **I've re-edit it to make it better.**

 **Disclaimer :** **I do _NOT_ own anything other than the story.**

* * *

"I think you should pay the shrine a visit, Elichi. It might help you get some steam off."

Nozomi said from the kitchen, while preparing dinner for both her and Eli. The blonde, however, was completely worn out on the sofa in the living room to even hear what Nozomi was saying. Her boss wasn't exactly merciful towards her when that woman asked her to work some extra hours everyday.

"Elichi? If you're too tired, you can just have a light meal and go to bed, you know?"

Nozomi smiled at a muffled-Elichi, whose face was pressed onto the sofa. She placed two bowls of white rice, a dish of grilled mackerel, a natto dish, and two bowls of meat and potato stew on the dining table.

"Dinner's ready, Elichi."

Taking off her apron, Nozomi stepped to where Eli was and lightly shook her awake. Eli cracked open one eye, groaning because her peaceful rest was disturbed.

"Nozomi… I'm too tired to even eat dinner, you know?"

"I know. But you still need to eat or you won't be able to stay healthy." Nozomi slightly laughed.

"Ahh~ I need sleep~ Not food~." Eli whined miserably from the sofa.

Upon Eli's fatigued state, Nozomi let loose a defeated sigh. She was so sure Eli was going to skip dinner again. Nozomi was prepared to rouse Eli up should she refuse to eat dinner, but soon gave up the intention when she witnessed how tired Eli was.

"Can you stand, Elichi? I'll walk you to bed."

Eli responded with another muffled reply, putting in her best effort to stand up without falling back down onto the sofa again. Taking Eli's arm and draping it around her shoulders, Nozomi helped guide her. Once in the confine of their bedroom, she tucked Eli into the warm, comfortable blanket of their bed, and sat down next to a sleepy half-lidded eyes Eli.

"When you wake up feeling better, I'll make you something to eat, okay?" Nozomi patted Eli's head lovingly.

"Thanks, Nozomi." Eli looked at her with an apologetic expression. "…and I'm sorry for being so hard to handle these days."

"Don't be, Elichi. You're tired. It's only natural you wouldn't have the strength to eat. Just eat something when you wake up, okay?"

"Okay, I will," Eli said as she slowly drifted into unconsciousness.

The small smile on Nozomi's face gradually fading away when Eli stepped into her slumber.

* * *

"Ayase-san…" a distant voice called out to her.

"Ayase-san." The sound became louder as Eli tried her best to hear it.

"Ayase-san!" The voice changed from a distant calling to a shout, waking Eli from her half asleep state.

"Y-Yes!?" Eli gasped.

The first vision Eli took in was of a scowling Nanako-sensei, and the familiar scene of the classroom around her. To be precise, it was her first year classroom.

"H-Huh…? What? Why am I…?" Eli was disoriented.

"What are you stuttering for, Ayase-san? Please stand up and answer my question," Nanako-sensei raised her voice impatiently.

"Question? What question?" Eli flustered in a hushed voice.

A giggle came from behind her. An all too familiar sound that Eli had came to love for as long as she could remember. Eli was about to turn around when Nozomi whispered the answer to her.

"It's 'no', Eli-san."

Eli immediately repeated what Nozomi said. That seemed to have pleased Nanako-sensei, at least making her think Eli paid attention in class. She turned to the blackboard, picking up where she left off from her lecture.

Slowly, Eli became conscious of when and where she was. Somehow, she was thrown back in time, back to Otonokizaka, reliving her time as a student. Now that she was aware of her circumstance, the blonde decided it was best to act accordingly. So saying, she worn the cloak of a well-behaved, good-natured student.

That was how she'd always been anyway; an honour student.

Nevertheless, Eli couldn't help but notice the strangeness of it all. The atmosphere in the classroom felt way too real for everything to be just a dream for her.

Moreover, Eli had all her memories with her; memories of her first, second and third years—memories of µ's. Most important of all, however, was her memories of Toujou Nozomi.

The one and only person who was able to change Eli for the better, to show her she was much more than what her façade let on. The memories soon transformed into the motivation that urged Eli to turn around, to gaze at the person who meant so much to her in life.

The school bell chimed, indicating it was time for the day to be over.

Eli turned around to find Nozomi packing her books with a small smile tugging at her lips. Feeling the blonde's gaze on her, Nozomi glanced up and smiled at her, then she stood up, heading for the door. Implacable feelings bloomed within her chest, reminding Eli of Nozomi's confession to her after their wedding.

 _The purple-haired woman appeared somewhat wistful, then she conveyed, "You know, Elichi… the first time I saw you, I was actually too shy to talk to you. That moment I left before you, wasn't because I had something important in mind, but it was me trying to collect my courage so I could confront you on the stairs. I guess that was quite annoying, huh?" An apologetic chuckle escaped Nozomi._

At that moment, Eli understood.

That time, when Nozomi reached out to her, was because she had finally met someone like her; someone sincere. That time, Nozomi was the one who needed the blonde. Instantly, Eli was apprehended with a new-found anxiety. _What if this time she wouldn't confront me…?_ Eli thought as black fear clawed at her heart.

The vague notion of what might happen unveiled itself inside Eli's mind. Maybe, the blonde didn't need Nozomi before, but after meeting her, being friends with her, falling in love with her; Eli soon comprehended that she would never be able to live in a world without her sometimes handful, but beloved Nozomi.

Arriving at her resolve, Eli abruptly stood up and ran to the staircase where they first met; where they first acknowledged each other. Her breathing ragged, and her unsteady heartbeat rang in her ears, but the only thing that mattered in her mind was to find Nozomi instead.

Though, Eli wasn't ready for what was about to be revealed to her. When the blonde arrived, what she saw was Nozomi's lonely figure standing by the window next to the stairs.

The purple-haired was staring out the window, her eyes fairly distant, a small melancholy smile on her features. At the solitary sight of her beloved, sorrow stung Eli's chest when she saw that smile. Eli had been with Nozomi for so long. And that made her forget. Just when Eli thought she had finally see Nozomi's genuine smile of happiness, the forlorn figure from once upon a time reappeared right at this moment.

An invisible knife from the ghost of the past gashed her heart upon seeing that dreaded smile. Eli knew she had to do whatever was in her power to take that sadness away. She hated it whenever Nozomi looked like that.

Yet, she stood frozen. The blonde waited, observing Nozomi's facial expression. She felt stupid, foolishly coward, unsure of approaching the purple-haired girl; almost as if she was shackled to the floor, unable to move. And so the blonde wished Nozomi would turn around and reach out to her like she'd done before.

The violet-haired girl did turn, though having no idea Eli was watching her. Perspiration began rolling down Eli's temple, the loud thumping of her heart intensified inside her head. _Notice me, Nozomi…!_ Eli inwardly screamed.

Contrary to her hope, Nozomi headed down the staircase, oblivious to Eli's presence. Watching Nozomi leaving put something akin to loss in her chest, and that loss quickly turned into her will to move. Feeling like someone had pushed her from behind, Eli picked up her pace, starting down the stairs to the landing, chasing after the violet-haired girl.

"Nozomi!"

At the calling of her name, the purple-haired psychic turned around with unhidden surprise. She glanced up to find Eli out of breath.

"Eli-san?"

 _Ah… she already knew me… and I didn't even know who she was back then… how stupid I was for ignoring her like the others…_ Eli scolded herself. Her face crunched together in penitent dissatisfaction for being so impassive back then. Flashbacks from that time rushed back to Eli as she saw her image reflected in those quizzical, emerald orbs.

 _"Um…!"_

 _Eli turned around to the stuttering sound of a stranger. With a stern expression, Eli enquired,_ _"And you are?"_

 _Her face looked as if she was battling inwardly, trying her hardest to put her feelings into words. Then, after a moment, she put on the most beautiful smile she had and introduced herself._

 _"I'm Toujou Nozomi!"_

After the recollection passed, Eli struggled to find the words as she herself had acted so sudden that she didn't know what to say. Sure enough though, Eli had fathomed that she was the one at a loss this time. _It's funny how the tables have turned_ , Eli wryly thought.

"Eli-san? Is there something you need?" Nozomi's voice brought Eli back from her abstract plane. The blonde became flustered, searching for the right words to say.

"Ah… um… I'm sorry, I… uh… there's actually nothing at all…"

Eli's sky blue eyes strayed to the ground, unable to look Nozomi in the eye; since she was embarrassed of her own action. Her giggles rippled through, and the sound of her voice was like a soft, tranquil melody to Eli's ears.

"Well, if there's nothing at all… why would you call out someone's name when you barely even know them, Eli-san?"

At Nozomi's amused enquiry, Eli could feel her face gradually heated up as she stammered, attempting to answer.

"Uh… that's-!"

Though unable to provide Nozomi the reason for calling her name so abruptly, Eli's face was flustered but she still managed to keep her determination. Witnessing the variety of emotions flashing through Eli's features, Nozomi lightly laughed.

"I didn't know you would be so casual towards me that much, Eli-san. I think calling me by my first name without honorifics is a bit much?" Nozomi tilted her head to one side, with an amused smile.

"S-Sorry, …Nozomi-san."

After all those years being with her, loving her, the honorifics felt so foreign to Eli. She furrowed her brows, feeling the tangible bitterness of unfamiliarity in that word. Frustrated and pained, she wanted to repeat Nozomi's name out loud without the honorific. Although, Eli was aware that right at this moment, they were nothing more than strangers. It was possible for Eli to be close to her, but not for Nozomi. And the realisation hurt her even more.

"If you need help with anything, I'll be glad to help. Don't be shy, Eli-san."

 _Shy…? Nozomi's calling me shy…?_ All because she hesitated. All because she couldn't bring herself to explain for her odd behaviour. How could Eli just say that she was downright frightened of Nozomi leaving and never reaching out to her again? The apprehension of Nozomi disappearing from her life scared her.

Back then, Nozomi was the shy and reticent one. Now she claimed Eli was shy.

"It's nothing… really." Eli's eyes were downcast.

A long time passed by, Nozomi waited for Eli to come out with what she truly wanted to say, but nothing came. She kindly smiled at Eli.

"Well… if you said it's nothing then I'll be heading home, Eli-san."

With that final sentence, Nozomi turned and walked towards the exit. Eli could not move. The blonde could only stare after Nozomi's silhouette as she left.

* * *

Days had passed by and Eli still couldn't wake up from this dream she deemed a nightmare.

She tried all she could to wake up from this wretched torment of a dream; pinching, intentionally falling down from a flight of stairs, hitting herself several times, and not to mention asking Nozomi to slap her as hard as possible.

Though, being the kind-hearted and bemused person she was at the time, Nozomi didn't agree with Eli's request. Much to Eli's dismay, the purple-haired spiritualist thought hitting someone she was acquainted with wasn't so nice—even if they asked her to.

Obviously, Nozomi seemed quite concerned with the blonde's odd request too.

The reason for inflicting such pains to herself was due to something else that pained her tenfold. Eli couldn't bear the sting of twisting pain in her chest every time she caught Nozomi standing idly by herself at the hallway's window.

When Eli saw her, the ever-present lonely expression was always etched onto the purple-haired girl's visage. She was so used to the happiness Nozomi radiated, it made her forget that forlorn loneliness. Now, as she revisited the Nozomi from back then and was reminded of that accursed solitary, Eli just wanted to wake up.

"Well then, I'll be leaving. See you tomorrow, Eli-san." Eli looked up to find Nozomi smiling at her, coming back from her thoughts.

The sunset behind Nozomi illuminated the darkness with its glorious radiance, yet it also escalated the desolate smile on the purple-haired's sunset-lit profile. The sharp twinge emerged once more, and Eli felt disheartened for a moment.

Nozomi turned around, preparing to leave. As for Eli, she was still petrified. _Don't go…_ the voice inside her head solemnly beseeched.

The purple-haired psychic's frame was slowly disappearing from Eli's range of view. _Please stop… I don't want to see that look on your face…_ The urgency of that voice reflected her fear.

Despite Nozomi being long gone, Eli could still feel it in her conscience. She knew, even with this distance, that smile on Nozomi's face hadn't faded away.

 _"I used to tell myself to never stop smiling; even when Otonokizaka was out of sight, even when my friends weren't around. I only stopped when I was home. No one really knew me—not all of them tried to find out what was really going on underneath my façade. Except for you, Elichi. I guessed I could never hide anything from you, huh?" Nozomi laughed as she recalled their high school time._

Her beloved's words deafeningly rang in her head; the sole reason of it all… Those words set off a sequence of worries, uneasiness, and foreboding, putting an end to Eli's limit. Somehow, a dreaded feeling woven in the pit of her stomach told her today would be the last day she'd ever see Nozomi again.

Eli clenched her teeth and ran. She screamed with all the breath in her lungs, "NOZOMI!"

"Huh?" slightly startled, the purple-haired girl turned around. To her bewilderment, Eli tightly hugged her, so tight Nozomi couldn't breathe.

"Please don't go! Please stop putting on that face! I don't…! I can't bear it! Witnessing you like this breaks my heart…!"

For the first time since living in this dream, Eli felt free. She felt at ease letting it all out. Even so, how she felt didn't matter at that moment—what mattered to her was whether or not she had free Nozomi yet.

"E-Eli-san…" Nozomi was utterly baffled by Eli's intimate hug.

"I don't need to go home just yet. Please let me come to your place," Eli beseeched.

"But… I…" Nozomi was at a loss for words.

"I told you, there's no need to hide it from me. I already know that you live alone, Nozomi."

Eli couldn't care less about formalities anymore. She felt true to herself, calling Nozomi like she always did. Incidentally, calling Nozomi otherwise was putting the blonde off anyways.

"H-How did you…?" the girl in her arms tensed, her eyes widened.

"Just forget about the small details and come with me."

Without waiting for Nozomi's answer, Eli took her hand and led the way to her home. The fact that Eli knew her place, however, bemused Nozomi more than the spontaneous hug. She could only follow Eli silently as the blonde went ahead.

* * *

Arriving at Nozomi's apartment, Eli politely stepped to the side, allowing Nozomi her entrance so she could open the door. Initially, Eli planned to open the door instead since she knew where Nozomi kept her keys, but she figured Nozomi would be terrified had Eli revealed where the keys were.

"Pardon the intrusion," Eli said, stepping inside.

"Make yourself at home, Eli-san." Nozomi took off her shoes and stepped inside.

Eli took off her shoes, hesitating in the entrance. She glanced around the place, somewhat bothered and nostalgic. The apartment space that she'd been so familiar with. The blonde thought she had gotten rid of it forever after she urged Nozomi to move out and live in hers.

Never had she imaged the day she saw it again would come.

"Can you please explain to me why you know the way to my apartment, Eli-san?"

"…Are you scared that I might harm you?" Eli laughed, looking Nozomi straight in the eye for the first time since she was trapped in this nightmarish dream.

"No, I just wanted to know." Nozomi smiled kindly at her.

Eli choose to stay silent.

Eli had come thus far; she wasn't going to let anything stopped her from doing what she was supposed to since that day. Eli, being the scaredy-cat that she was, had been putting it off for too long—and she too was frustrated at herself for postponing her supposed actions.

On Nozomi's end, she just waited patiently for Eli to explain. The purple-haired girl thought Eli was trying to find the words. Little did she prepare herself for what Eli was about to convey.

"Nozomi," she began, her voice slightly quivered, but she pressed on. "I want you to stop doing that to yourself. I want you to know that you're not alone. I want you to learn that I love you and care for you more than anyone else in the world."

Nozomi stared at the blonde in mild surprise, and perhaps a tad bit confusion. She only asked why Eli knew where her apartment was; a strange, out-of-nowhere love confession wasn't what she had in mind. Seeing how Eli seemed to have more on her mind, however, Nozomi decided to listen.

Eli's brows were scrunched in agony, as if what she was saying was hurting her. "It pains me to see you like this… every time you put on a smile, a fake smile to conceal your true feelings, it tears my heart into a thousand pieces. I wanted so much more for you. You deserve more than anyone could ever bargain for."

Confusion soon turned astonishment as Nozomi witnessed the tears streaming down Eli's cheeks, while the latter continued her ardent feelings.

"I love you, Nozomi. I want to you to remember that."

Amidst her tears, Eli attempted to put on her most reassuring smile, hoping that the message will get through to the purple-haired psychic.

To say the least, Nozomi was astounded. Even though she wasn't entirely sure of the situation and what had transpired, Nozomi felt liberated; somehow free from her perpetual torment of loneliness. A long moment passed by as Nozomi tried assessing her feelings, until, she realised the blonde was talking about the cocoon she'd always been trapped in.

A cocoon of solitude, one made especially for her.

Nozomi found herself baffled how Eli knew. But then… that no longer mattered. Eli's heartwarming words began to sink in, and benediction had swooped down and mended her lonesome heart.

A genuine, sincere smile grew on Nozomi's features, stunning the blonde.

"Thank you, Eli-san," the purple-haired girl expressed. A single tear rolled down Nozomi's cheek.

Everything before Eli flashed bright as everything faded to white.

* * *

"Elichi!" Eli awakened upon the frantic calling of her name.

The distinguishable smell of ether penetrated her nose forcefully, rousing her from her deep sleep. Cracking her eyes open, she was thankful that Nozomi's beautiful features was the first thing she saw.

"Elichi, thank God you're finally awake!" Nozomi was crying hysterically, hugging her firmly. Seeing how disoriented Eli was, Nozomi explained amidst tears, "You wouldn't wake up no matter what. I had to call Maki-chan. Luckily, she's attending her shift tonight so she could help out. Maki-chan told me not to worry since you were transferred in here, and it was only stress due to pressure from work."

Eli, on the other hand, was struck with a palpable sense of anxiety thanks to her dream. And upon seeing the forlorn Nozomi from her nightmare, Eli couldn't refrain from enfolding Nozomi tightly without no intention of letting go.

"Elichi?"

"I'm glad… you're here, Nozomi." Tears poured out on their own, and the blonde did nothing to stop them. It wasn't as if she wanted to anyway… Nozomi was the main priority to her at the moment.

"Elichi…" Nozomi was crying too, but a smile of relief touched her lips.

"You're my reason for living, Nozomi. Thank you for being a part of my life… I love you." Eli then loosened her embrace and kissed Nozomi.

Though she was caught by surprise at first, Nozomi responded eagerly. They both melted into each other as Eli deepened the kiss, asking for more, demanding to be reassured that Nozomi was here with her. And to prove to Nozomi that Eli was there with her too.

When they finally let go, Nozomi asked with the purest, most innocent expression Eli ever thought she could make, "Is everything okay, Elichi?"

"Yes, more than okay. You see, I was having this dream…"

* * *

 **Thank you for reading.**

 **Comments & reviews are welcomed.**

 **Rakurai deshita.**


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